“It’s a sin,” Neil Tennant intones, judging me via my CD player speakers as I unwrap the last KitKat Chunky of the multipack.
Gluttony is a difficult vice to defend when you’re a fan of the Pet Shop Boys, I muse. Of course that’s particularly the case when four KitKats form just part of the evening’s comfort eating menu, and come after I’ve single-handedly (mouthedly?) dealt with a Domino’s meal deal for three. And still have plans to attack the Oreo cookie ice-creams I know are in the bottom drawer of the freezer.
“I know it is, Neil,” I say out loud, stooping to a new low by carrying on a conversation with a song that was recorded in 1987. “But so is lust, right? And I’m pretty sure fucking Janet Jackson - no, not the singer, our slag of a neighbour of the same name - falls into that category. So you’d better be tunefully lecturing Luke this evening too.”
Have a break?, I think, swallowing the last of the KitKat without even tasting it. Oh, Luke and I will definitely be having one of those. A long one. ‘Til death, there or thereabouts. And I’ll tell you I’d love to help him a little closer to that milestone with another sort of break right now. Ideally a collarbone. I’ve heard that’s pretty horrific. Even a leg break would do though. We’d soon see how attractive he is to Janet when he’s wearing a cast instead of his skimpy rugby shorts.
I should’ve known that tart’s new-found interest in Luke’s over-35s team was more than just “being a good neighbour”. Of course stupid me took her at face value. I even tried to set her up with George, one of Luke’s teammates.
Now it’s me who’ll need pity dates, I think as I hiccup, and quickly slide the first ice-cream out of its packet and shove it down my throat to stop the lump that's there moving any further up.
“It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin,” Neil selfishly continues to chant in the background as he reaches the song's grand crescendo, totally oblivious to the fact that my world is falling around my feet. Which, if I continue to eat at this rate, will soon be connected to the rest of me by cankles, a little voice in my head warns.
Neil blithely moves on to 'I Want to Wake Up'. And I wonder if my relationship with him is nearing its end too.
I think I need more supplies.
